The past year has been the most challenging period I’ve ever gone through. In late August 2019, I turned ill, lost twenty pounds, went through all sorts of medical tests only to be told it was due to emotional issues. I’m grateful it was just that, but I promise you runaway stress and anxiety will shred a sensitive soul apart. It will squeeze the life out of you from the inside.
What’s interesting, is that last time, three days after I found happiness in myself and regained purpose, I came through it and actually gained all the weight back within a month. I could eat like a tank again; life was great. But, the moment anger and stress reentered the picture, it started up again. Here I am now, a year later, still struggling with the same issues and I’m down to 141 pounds. It’s disgusting. I know many others out there have had it a lot worse in this Covid world, but it hasn’t been an easy ride. Sadly, I will always be one of those types who needs to feel good about how I look on the outside in order to experience real happiness. I will never buy into the idea that it doesn’t matter; I’m not built that way and I refuse to change this aspect of myself. The challenge here is the fact I do know internal happiness will help to promote outward improvements. Time will tell, I suppose.
When the virus came about, I lost seventy percent of in my income, then later my car, and just last month, I lost my home in Arizona. The conundrum here is trying to find something to do I love. I’m a huge believer in following passions and pursuing them with everything I have (and even tell others to do the same), but it’s not always easy to ignite that fire. Other stressors will cloud your vision and for me, vision is required for forward momentum.
I simply can’t imagine the idea of going back to the corporate world. I did that for years, no thanks. And, as bad as it sounds, I’d rather be where I’m at now in comparison to the days when I ran three different reader networks. The deceit, lies, gaslighting and fraudulent behavior that goes on in this industry is unlike anything I have ever seen before. It doesn’t stop with the shady readers, either. It goes all the way to the top. This is where my health issues began. I was grateful for the experience, but I’m glad to have separated from it. Sure, I fixed my credit when I was there, worked from home, got help when I needed it, and could go buy pretty much whatever I wanted, but it doesn’t matter. Money should never be held at a higher value than health and nobody should ever tolerate constant emotional abuse. If something makes you sick, you aren’t doing the right thing.
I’ve been doing a lot of readings lately, but I’m burnt out on them. I’m glad the opportunity is there, but it brings me no joy. Don’t get me wrong, there are clients I enjoy working with, but it’s just not for me. I know there’s something more and it’s a feeling I have to trust. So for now, I’m just trying to make ends meet, keep my head above water, and fix my fucked up health if that’s even possible at this point.
These days, besides the opportunity to get to know someone (in a very unique way) I love and care for very much, the only other solace I have found is Tarot. I’ve grown to love the cards, the art, the depictions and the way stories are told. It’s become a passion of mine, a way to let go and a way to immerse myself into completely different worlds. It helps to reduce stress too. So, for now, I just plan on writing about it as much as I can. I'm also looking forward to trying out video again, but I don't want to do that until I'm happy with the way I look.
I don’t read it traditionally which naturally has caused some eyebrow raising moments from other readers consumed by their own ego, but I don't really care. I like sharing my take on it. I also enjoy seeing other interpretations. It fascinates me the way information flows differently for different people. It works the same as anyone who is using one of their clairs to read. We all get information in different ways and none of them are wrong.
With all the challenges this year and the fact that everyone is acting like an asshole due to the unknown election results here in the US, it’s the perfect day to talk about a Tower card I fell in love with. I never thought a day would come where I liked this particular card, but this one is the exception. Originally I was going to write about it in this post, but I’m going to make another since this turned into a long winded whiney rant about my current shitty circumstances.
To close out, I'm just going to keep doing my own thing. I will maintain my vigor as best I can; I will continue to fight and can only hope I’ll eventually be blessed with the healing I need and finally regain some of my lost light.