Internal Affairs 6.2.20

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Personal 6.2.20

I’ve always been a bit of a loner. I tend to find solace in solitude and it’s rare for me to fully open up. It’s challenging at times for me to find the courage to lift the veil. It’s not easy for me to step away from my own desire to be the reclusive hermit who aimlessly wanders into the unknown in search for some new understanding.

I believe in being real and being myself, but I genuinely struggle with this on most online platforms. I tend to keep a cover on and put on a bit of a front except in seemingly innocuous situations that lack merit. I prefer privacy, I prefer one on one situations where I can let the guard all the way down and fully welcome in my true self.

I suppose a lot of this could be insecurity, but I don’t know how to act  in these places. I don’t know how to fit in. I don’t know how to properly exude and convey everything I’m feeling. I don’t know how to show personal affection or desire because no matter how truthful it is, I worry it will be perceived incorrectly and shut things down.

I guess this means I still overthink things, too. When extreme sensitivity meets a very logical and analytical mind, it creates all sorts of internal chaos and is an award winning recipe for continued duress. I will literally start second guessing everything I say. I’m surprised my backspace keys still work. I mean really, is there such a thing as social media anxiety? If so, I’m the poster child for it. I’m the guy on the billboard sweating bullets at the thought of throwing out even a few simple words.

I’m a bit reserved in person too, but not nearly as much. Naturally I keep things private, but I have no problem just being who I am. I don’t throw on a different outfit or slip into an alternate persona in order to appease the group I’m communicating with.  The same could be said for private conversations , too. They can take it or leave it, I don’t care. But, now that I think about it, it seems the catalyst is really the thought of what I say being twisted and misconstrued into something it wasn’t. I can read emotion and intent in text like no other, but I worry people will misread me.

I’m not really sure why I care. Does it really matter? It does to me in situations I hold dear and in scenarios I hope to further develop. Twitter is the worst by far. I got a big fat F in brevity and asking me to condense my thoughts into a few brief words turns into an obstacle of its own.

Maybe I need to stop worrying about it so much. Maybe I need to say fuck it and do whatever I want. Maybe I need to stop giving a shit about whether or not it will be taken in the right manner or perhaps I simply need to man up.

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